based off my teachers comment on my essay: “Hi Kaden,
This has good potential and there are some good connections here with Elaine Scarry’s concepts.
One main area to work on is clarity at the sentence level; this is due in part to some vagueness, some grammar issues, and also odd phrasing and vocabulary that make the point unclear. Another area related to clarity is coherence within paragraphs and from paragraph to paragraph (i.e. how points logically connect). One example is on pg. 2 where you go from the beauty of the canals to Scarry “supports this argument by attributing it to the child-parent relationship” but then the quote that follows is unrelated to that and the idea is dropped.
On a related, note, the thesis and specific supporting claims could also be more clear.
Also clarify context: i.e. that you’re referring to Venice, Italy, not Venice, CA. And, finally, as a reader, I wanted to hear more of your own experience with the canals since the point is to make a persuasive argument based on your connection to the topic.”
fix the parts she is talking about in the essay, ALSO please BOLD the words so I can tell what the differences are
Requirements: look at comments
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